Sometimes you can experience so much toxicity from other so-called human beings that you can actually become numb to it (or not notice it until after the fact). The realization that you are not supported by your peers or that someone actively tried to hurt you should be enough to get you to move on.
Unfortunately, if you carry deep wounds from years of emotional abuse, realizing that you are being mistreated can take a while. Realizing that you are not emotionally supported and are living or working in a toxic environment can take longer. But once you realize it, there is no going back.
I was asked to send a half-dozen copies of my book “Emotional Fitness at Work” to a company as a pre-presentation exercise, so the leaders could each pick a chapter that we could focus on. Apparently they dove into the book immediately as a group and decided that their work environment was very emotionally unfit. They presented that realization to the owner, who promptly fired them all.
I guess they were right, and apparently they all found new, hopefully less toxic, positions at other companies. That being said, I seriously doubt I will be asked to do a presentation for that company. Dysfunction abounds in the work environment, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to find work in a healthier environment. Most unfortunately, volunteer organizations can fall into the same trap; it doesn’t have to involve money.
One of the most dysfunctional organizations I have ever been involved with was an HOA (home owners association) in a neighborhood that was much nicer than the people on the HOA board deserved. The politics made the last national election look like child’s play, and for what? Actually, it’s what we used to call a power trip, but it’s really just the need to be righteous and lord over other people.
I watched a beefy man in his forties lambast an older woman in an open neighborhood meeting—he was literally standing over her and yelling in her face. No one said a thing, until I popped off with something like, “Dude, that is so inappropriate, grow up.” I also suggested that she report him to adult protective services, but the woman who was his victim didn’t want that. I walked out and resigned.
I got lots of emails, texts, and letters asking me to stay, telling me that this guy was “just that way,” and now I understand he is suing the association he is volunteering for. This is becoming a suburban nightmare worthy of a Stephen King novel. I did stay in the group for a while longer, but the energy didn’t change. In the last meeting, I was attacked and slandered by the mean guy’s wife. I guess it must be a family dynamic. I don’t release my anger on other people for two reasons: first, the average Girl Scout could beat me to a pulp with a box of Thin Mints, and second, it’s not nice and I like to be a nice guy. It’s also a waste of time and energy.
Toxic people who want to get their way, no matter what, are manipulative, mean, and they lie like a rug. They will dedicate their lives to finding a way to achieve their goal — right, wrong, or indifferent. And hurting people in the process doesn’t matter to them. My advice is just to walk away. Putting so much negative energy into the world for such small things is what is dividing us. It is sad that neighbors can’t get along, but even sadder to be with people who treat you badly.
Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D. is an award-winning psychotherapist and humanitarian. He is also a columnist, the author of eight books, and a blogger for PsychologyToday.com. He is available for video consults world-wide, reach him at [email protected]
As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
